Most of us have seen successful people that is unhappy and unsatisfied and people that have many problems but that are positive and happy. If you want to understand the difference between these two kind of persons, you have to think about the concept of “trap”. Psychologists and Psychoterapists are very interested in this concept. People fallen into a psychological traps are imprisoned inside dysfunctional ways of establishing relations.
In the book “Reinventing your life” (Plum, 1994) E. Young e J.S. Klosko have identified eleven traps and the ways to overcome them. The psychological traps begin during the first years of life and they strengthen in the adulthood. They are expectations through which we relate to others. If our parents weren’t able to see our real needs it is possible that experiences of abandonment and detraction become stratified in our personality.
If we have experienced too much protection by our parents we can fall into the trap of dependance. In this case we believe that we aren’t able to succeed by ourselves and that we need to find a partner on which depend. Whoever has experienced abandonment during the first years of life is inclined to have relationships with a strong fear to be abandoned. People fallen in the trap of abandonment have relationships characterized by anxiety. A person who want to be assured that he will be never abandoned, is often ditched by his/her partner. In this case our expectations are not good because they can become traps.
The signal that we are fallen into a trap is when we are paralyzed by problems that we aren’t able to solve. If we choose partners that don’t take care of our needs, it is possible that we have been falling into the trap of the “affective deprivation”. So we conclude that really don’t exist anybody who can take care of us.
A trap exists because we believe that there is no other possibility for us, no other chance. You have to destroy your prejudices if you want to be open to the good novelties for your life. We have to ask ourselves if bad experiences that happen to us depend of us. In so doing we could use our energy to destroy the traps that we have built during our life so that we may have an happy and satisfying existence. (Article published in the Journal of ANAP)
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